We saw that our disappointments ran deep. Some have felt the hypocrisy of community: saying one thing but acting quite differently. Others spoke about how their search for spiritual community was about finding the perfect family and then watching it all fall apart. For others belonging to community meant losing themselves, betraying their own values. For others the lovely church of their childhood became untenable when they reached adolescence and could recognize and feel the falseness and even the abuse of the Church. For some joining community mean't playing a fixed role, an obligation. And sometimes the "price of admission" was simply too great.
When we join a group we will unconsciously, or not so unconsciously, relive the dynamics of our family of origin. So the over responsible one will become the group organizer; the caretaker in the family will become the caretaker in the group; the rebellious one in the family will become rebellious in the community; the scapegoat in the family will find themselves being blamed and even scapegoated by the group; the one who sits on the outside will sit on the outside of the group and feel alienated; the popular one will become the popular one; the clown in the family will replay this in community, on and on. We do this, until we wake up to what we are replaying. We are creatures of habit, of what is familiar even if it is unpleasant. Notice how this plays out for you in this circle.
(Questions: Tell me something that attracts you to spiritual/religious community. Tell me a way you have been disappointed by spiritual/religious community. Explore your relationship to spiritual or religious community. What role do you play over and over? How do you grow in community?)
We noticed that there is the possibility of our relationship to community evolving over time. Becoming less about meeting the unmet needs of childhood, or replaying the customary roles we play when we join a group. Being in community is not about losing yourself, or about rebellion, or about avoidance, or about dependence. It is about being and becoming yourself and within the context of a group of people. Its about working together, its about maturation; its about sharing yourself without losing yourself; its about a living shared/we/communion presence that insists on evolving, growing. Most groups, work, living situations, have an explicit or implicit contract. If I am an college student there are demands, responsibilities, certain freedoms. If I am a teacher likewise there are norms, boundaries and expectations that govern the relationship between student and teacher. If I am being paid for work, then again there are expectations that govern the relationship. How often do these kinds of relationships that form the basis of specific communities become blurred, confused and destructive as other needs emerge and are acted out, especially the needs of the child to be loved, protected, attuned to. Being part of community is very complex.
In a way spiritual community offers perhaps the greatest possibility of growth, experimentation and true communion. We come together seeking what is most precious, most sacred, most mysterious. We are bound to stumble and fail as we venture to uncover what it means to be Humans of Being who share some strange intuition that we are more than we know. In my experience spiritual development rarely happens alone in a cave somewhere. We truly need each other. Our presence needs the support of the presence of the field, of this mysterious feeling that develops amongst each other as we open gingerly, gently into being more real, more exposed to each other. It involves a special kind of work. The practice of presence is the work that we undertake with each other in this sacred circle of friends. Even the word friend conjures up all kinds of images. Socializing, gossiping, shopping, hanging out, telling our stories our secrets and so on. Some of us barely know the names of everyone in the circle, and yet are we not friends in some real and tangible way. The word community conjures up all kinds of fantasies as well. Especially in these times, when we are attempting to live out all kinds of communities as the old structures of neighborhood, family fall away. We are in a time of enormous change and evolution. We are struggling to find the new ways of being together and much of the time we will fail. If we leave every time we fail, we may unwittingly throw the baby out with the bathwater. Sometimes we must leave. But how often do we leave because we have not taken some risk?
The question is are we present? Are we awake? Are we open to what lies to deeper than what we know? Or are we running away, a wounded betrayed child? Are we reliving some old conditioned pattern? What does it mean to grow into maturity in a community?
As I write this I realize my struggle to find the words to express what we are exploring. This is new, this hunger for becoming One and yet being Distinct Beings, sharing together a love for depth, for God, for ourselves. It is an a vital tension. I can feel the limits in my words today. But I feel the love that pushes the curiosity to discover what it means to live in this circle in ever deepening vulnerability, sincerity, honesty and love.
Hope to see you tonight at Spirit Singing. See you next Monday. Love, Alison
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