Practicing presence and the superego

Dear Friends, we tackled the superego, the inner critic, the voice of judgement head on last time. Unless we face this demon we will be shackled by our history. Especially if we undertake spiritual work, which by definition will take you beyond the comfort zone of your ego self. And the superego is designed to keep you inside that zone, by whatever means at its disposal. This can be violent inner attacks-- statements like 'you idiot', "you fuck up', 'you never do anything right' to outright verbal abuse. Or it can keep you in line by telling to "watch you, you know that nothing you do ever works", by endless self doubt. Or it can praise you for being such a good person. Or it may be silent because you are implicitly conforming to its standards and expectations. As you begin to recognize this voice you will feel its impact in the  body: anxiety, heart racing panic, dread, contraction, numbing out, cutting off, collapse, obsessive thinking. The superego does not know you as an adult soul; it sees you as a five year old, or even younger.

So when you start to meditate and introduce the practice presence into your life, you are inviting the divine, the living waters, the life force, spaciousness to enter. And this will expand you beyond your familiar sense of self. So guess who shows up. Yes, the superego. So I encourage you to keep a log of the superego attacks this week, and maybe for a long time!! So by seeing  the superego you are waking up to your conditioning and this awakening which brings you closer to the freedom of presence that you long for. This is a practice and not an easy one.

These are the questions we focused on last time:

 Tell me a way the superego impacts you?

Tell me why you believe the voice of the superego?

Explore what you are discovering about the superego and its impact on your openness to presence.

Next Monday we will focus on how we engage the superego and how the superego becomes God. This is vital to understand if we are to enter the presence of oneness. 

The music from last time: Arvo Part. Fur Alina: 1 and Spiegel im Spiegel:2

Chopin. Impromptus Op.90 D.899, no.3 in  flat

Calling all Angels Jane Sidberry and K.D Lang

I keep these emails and old ones at: http://practicing-presence.blogspot.com/

Fall is here. Hoping to see you on Monday. Alison

the practice of presence

Dear friends, it was so good to see familiar and new faces in our circle. If you are joining for the first time it can feel like a sudden dive into unfamiliar territory. We are not used to learning and sharing in this way. It can feel exciting or awkward and scary. But as I said this is about a practice and all of it takes time. Whether it is the meditation practices, this kind of inquiry, the vulnerability of sharing... So take your time. For old timers it can feel unsettling when the familiar circle of friends suddenly expands. Presence is always asking us to expand beyond what has become familiar and cosy.

This kind of practice will open us to the depths of presence, of grace. It takes time and practice. It takes a safe and sacred circle of fellow travelers and the growing ability to relax and wake up to what is happening in this moment.

I will do my best to circulate the questions after each session so that those of you who were absent can follow along.

Questions:

Tell me a way this practice of presence disturbs you.

Tell me a way this practice of presence attracts you.

Explore your relationship to the practice of presence. Does it invite you. How does your body feel. Do you notice judgements.

We are opening the door to presence, even if we don't recognize it or feel it yet. As I mentioned last time this will activate the superego whether self judgements or criticism of others. The superego does not want us to engage in  spiritual work, especially work that takes us into the depths of our being.

For me it is a joy to begin this journey with you again. Hope to see you all next Monday. Alison

Silence of the heart

Dear Friends, Here are the questions from Monday night.

Tell me a way your superego reacts to the practice of worship
Worship involves learning to listen and feel into silence or stillness, especially in the heart. Ego/superego blocks us, distracts us. Doubts, unworthiness, confusion, beliefs based on our history or experience of church.  Ego and superego resist vulnerability. It wants an operating manual and it wants things fixed.
What is stillness in the heart. It is a kind of emptiness, a lack of reactivity, an openness that allows a space of receptivity and sensitivity. First we may feel deadness, numbness , emotional turmoil, dissociation into the head, distraction. Or we may feel drawn into the stillness and discover the desire of the heart to worship.  Inevitably we will have to contend with the grasping, avoiding, deadening nature of our emotional heart. It is territory we have to traverse with patience and compassion. This  clarifying or purifying of the heart transforms it  from being a center of emotions into the organ of sensitivity and receptivity that is capable of knowing the silence.
Explore what opens you into silence/stillness  in the heart and what blocks that opening? What does your heart feel like right now?

We will be holding our Contemplative Worship Service this coming Monday, February 3rd from 7.30-9.00pm. 

You may begin to notice hopes and expectations arise.Perhaps you had a lovely time during our previous service. You may notice fantasies about how you want it go next time. You may notice expectations. Welcome to the grasping emotional heart! This is almost inevitable. No worship service is the same. Practicing presence allows us to return to our experience in the now, noticing all the grasping, all the judgements, sensing ourselves into our feet and belly. By allowing and by holding our experience we can rest. This is the doorway. 

Or perhaps you had a miserable time and you believe that you will always be cut off. This too is a grasping. We are grasping at our fixed self, convinced that we know what will happen and beset by the attacks of the superego. It is important to recognize the superego and push it away. We may also have to untangle many beliefs and ideas we hold about worship. These beliefs come from what we learned as a children. But they also include deep seated confusions about the languaging of worship. What does God, Lord mean? Are we worthy of being blessed, of being the beloved of the beloved?

By the way the author of the longer reading was Rumi.

Looks like we may warm up a bit. Don't fall, stay warm. Hope to see you next Monday

worship service

Here is the Monday night service and some notes about contemplative worship.

Contemplative worship.
Worship comes from the old English O.E."condition of being worthy, honor, renown,”  and sciepe, and -scip "state, condition of being," "to create, ordain, appoint." Worship is to lift up what is worthy.
Contemplation: The Latin word contemplatio was used to translate the Greek word θεωρία (theoria). In a religious sense, contemplation is usually a type of prayer or meditation.
Practicing Presence is the gentle focus on the embodied now. Sensing the arms and legs, sensing the belly and breath deepens the  grounded embodiment. Sensing in the heart allows us to become closer, more intimate with this moment of nowness. Sensing in the mind allows an opening into deep stillness and clarity. The practice of presence is simply opening to being awake and aware now.
Silence is not the absence of thoughts. Silence is the nature of presence.
Distraction and resistance are to be expected. Simply gently return to sensing in the body.

Contemplative Worship Service
Opening with 3 bells

Acclamation

Listen deep within yourself
To hear the voice of God
Who shepherds us and leads us forth in life.
Let not our hearts be hardened or grow closed,
As many did when the waters failed
And bitterness became their food.

Chant.
Bless  the Lord, my soul
And bless God's holy name.
Bless The Lord my soul,
Who leads me into life.

Prayer
Oh God of peace, Oh presence of peace, you have taught us that in returning and rest we shall be met, in quietness and  in confidence shall be our strength; by the might of your Spirit lift us, we pray, to your presence, where we may be still and know that you are God.

Grounding meditation

Chant.
Bless  the Lord, my soul
And bless God's holy name.
Bless The Lord my soul,
Who leads me I to life.

A short reading
The soul becomes so quiet in ecstasy, so quiet. Love speaks in silence, not in the heights of passion.
Central remembrance

Central chant 
Be still and know that I am God  (x6  Bell)
Be still and know that I am (x6 Bell)
Be still and know (x6 Bell) 
Be still  (x6 Bell)
Be (x6 Bell)

Silence
 (5-10mins)

Longer reading
 Make everything in you an atom of your sensing being. And you will hear, you will sense at every moment what presence is whispering to you, just to you and for you, without any need for my words or anyone else's. You are--we all are-- the beloved of the beloved one, and in every moment, whether you hear it or not, the beloved one is whispering to you exactly what it is you need to  feel  and know. Who can explain such a mystery? It simply is. Listen and sense and you will discover in every passing moment. Listen and feel and your whole life will become a conversation in thought and act between you and the  divine presence, directly, wordlessly, now and always. It was to enjoy this conversation that you and I were created.             
Quiet reflections in threes  Read three times. Explore what draws you. 
Brief sharing in the large circle

Central chant
Be still and know that I am God  (x6  Bell)
Be still and know that I am (x6 Bell)
Be still and know (x6 Bell) 
Be still  (x6 Bell)
Be (x6 Bell)

The Silence
10-15  mins
Returning to the world

Listen deep within yourself
To hear the voice of God
Who shepherds us and leads us forth in life.
Let not our hearts be hardened or grow closed,
As many did when the waters failed
And bitterness became their food.

Closing chant
My peace I give you,
My peace I give you,
Trouble not your heart.
My peace I give you
My peace I give you,
Be not afraid.

Closing bell 3 times.  

contemplative worship

Dear Friends,

 Joe and I are excited by a new direction that is emerging out of our three years of the practice of presence. We feel a call to create a contemplative worship space. As with everything this space will emerge over time. We will be listening, experimenting and with time a form will emerge that will support worship deeply rooted in silence, chanting, readings and the practice ofpresence. We will dip into this every other week. Everyone is welcome. You do not need to attend the other sessions of the practice of presence, although they will certainly support this new opening.

Our ongoing group will resume on January 6th. We will be exploring what it means to worship, what blocks the heart in its natural longing to praise and celebrate our deepest love. You are welcome to join us.

Our first session of contemplative worship will be held on January 13th 2014 at 7.30pm at ECI. All our welcome.

We wish you all a very happy new year. Alison and Joe

Summary of Fall retreat and First Monday night session

Retreat:

 Session 1 Friday night: practice of presence, the Embodied now

Journal: What blocks you from being with your living embodied experience. 5

Tell me a way you leave the present moment? 

Tell me a way you sense your embodiment now?

Explore what you include or exclude in your sense of the embodied now. Do you select what to focus on? Do you ignore what you think is not appropriate in your experience to speak about. what do you grasp onto? 

Session 2:  Resistance, doubt and superego

Tell me a way you judged yourself since you woke up this morning. 

How do you feel when you judge yourself. 

Explore how your superego manifests. Is it loud, frightening and shaming. Does it whisper. what does it say. Do you recognize the voice.

Why do we believe and listen to this voice? Who hears this voice (child) how do we react to this voice. We get defensive, rationalize, make excuses,. We go on the attack mode. We collapse bodily

Tell me a way you believe into the superego

Tell me a way you child react’s to the superego

Explore in your circle how being attacked by the superego affects your ability to be present. 

Session 3  The alchemy of welcoming and holding. 

Open inquiry. By staying present explore what is arising for  you during this retreat so far.  Check in with your body. 

Journal: explore your resistance to practicing presence, meditating at home.

Tell me what you are experiencing now.

Explore your embodied experience. Notice how you leave your felt experience into your mind, into judging. What happens if you return and include your embodiment.  

Monday Night Sessions:

Monday 30th. Depth or surface.

Tell me a way you stay on the surface of your experience.

Tell me a way you allow yourself to go deeper. 

Explore what you are bringing into this session ? From your life, from the retreat? Notice if you are staying on the surface? Are you going deeper in the feelings, sensations  in the body? What happens when you and sense yourself for a moment.

Closing-- for now

Dear Friends.

 We ended this season of sessions on Monday. We spent our time together reviewing our work together. We focused on the following questions:

How has the practice of presence entered your life? Do you see some kind of personal thread emerging over the months we have been meeting? What is most difficult about the practice of presence? Did you feel like giving up? Why did you come back?How What supports your practice of presence? Where would like this to go in the fall?

Some of you were unable to attend. I suggest that you review the questions for yourselves. If there is something you would like to share with Joe or myself please send us an email.

We have been holding these sessions for two years. It has been an effortless outflow and inflow. Without your participation none of this would have been possible. Presence is cultivated when people gather sincerely, openly and with longing for depth and realness. This circle of presence is more real, deeper and robust (strange word!) than two years ago. And it appears that transformation is afoot. 

I know that there are a number of you "out there" who have been reading the emails and who have not joined our circle or may have discontinued for some reason. We would be interested to hear from you. How do the emails support your own journey? Are there reasons you discontinued that you would like to share with Joe and I. 

It is important for us to take a break for now. We need some time to let this settle and gestate over the summer.

It is our intention to resume our circle in the fall. We will be opening the group up at that time for newcomers. 

I am so grateful for this opportunity to be with you. I hope you have a fruitful summer and remember to come back to your embodied sense of your experience. That is the doorway.

Warmly and in peace, Alison