Practicing Presence

Dear friends. Thank you to those of you who braved the bitter cold last Monday. 

We focused on the practice of presence itself. What is it? Over the months we have explored the importance of coming back into the body to directly meet this moment of experience. The more embodied we are, the less we are caught in the stories that roam around in our mind. When we land and meet our embodied experience something new can unfold. Then feelings can morph into other feelings, memories can arise directly out of the felt sense, understanding can arise. In other words our experience becomes fluid, it unfolds and reveals more. Instead of the usual way we know ourselves --through the habitual figuring of the mind; or our judgements about our experience; or by all the ways we reject and push away our moment to moment experience-- we  begin to discover that we are more that our usual, conditioned experience. We begin to know ourselves as a living tapestry of feelings, sensations, insights, deepening and most importantly a kind of expansion, a kind of clearing away the clutter that obscures our direct experiences and contracts us. This is the movement towards presence. The doorway is this moment of experience.

This is a practice because this movement into this embodied now, runs counter to the usual egoic way of knowing ourselves. So the practice of returning, arriving, deepening cultivates a of kind of essential muscle if you like. Some call this the muscle self remembering. What is that we are remembering? What is it that we have forgotten, ignored? A very long time ago, before we became able to reflect on our experience, we moved away and cut off from what some call True Nature, others call the Body of Christ, the Self, and what we are calling living presence. This process of self remembering and understanding begins to clear away the obscurations, the dullness, the usual clutter of our habitual experience (such as the superego and all our responses to it), and this organ of perception-- you!, your soul!-- becomes more transparent and what lies deeper in the unconscious begins to shine through.

All of you know what it is like to gaze into an infant's eyes. There is something amazingly lucid, limpid, clear, transparent, immediate about their gaze, their consciousness. It seems pure, open, pristine. And it touches us deeply. Its as though this gaze can pierce through all our worries, anxieties, frustrations and for a moment we shine too, we are still, we are open. Breathtaking and so attractive. This is living presence before the vicissitudes of life leave their mark on the infant. Slowly, or not so slowly in the case of trauma, an ego shell by necessity forms around this pristine consciousness and the personality forms gradually obscuring, our true source, and eventually cutting us off from living presence. This is not bad, it is simply a stage in the journey of the soul. The open, completely innocent soul slowly becomes an ego so that it can function in the world. At some point for some of us there is a hunger to rediscover this living presence. We think we lost it, or we think we sinned so that is why we lost contact with our divine nature; or we think we are too deficient, not worthy enough to deserve presence. But none of this is true. Presence lies hidden within us. Always! Never lost. Forgotten or obscured are better words. 

So the practice of presence needs this itch or desire to recover what we are sure we lost.  But there is some deep intuition, perhaps based on those moments in life when the moment opened up, or perhaps because we simply long for more realness, more immediacy in life, more intouchness. In my case it was an urgent need to know God that erupted in my early forties. (My midlife crisis) The practice of presence is a process of clearing, clarifying, opening our consciousness, our souls. 

I find it very curious that this practice is showing up in many ways at the moment. The Christian Contemplative tradition calls this Welcoming Practice. In the mental health field the Buddhist practice of mindfulness and Focusing are both entering the main stream of clinical practice. We are participating in something bigger than our circle. Its quite mysterious how these new and old ways start appearing. A kind of synchronicity.

It looks like we are heading into rain on Monday. There is some warming trend coming our. Please check your email in case we need to cancel our session.

Warmly and in peace. Alison

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The religious/spiritual superego

Dear Friends, Last Monday I shared that I have been on a kind of archeological dig over the last five years. I was drawn reluctantly at first and then passionately to recover the essence of my religious heritage,  and to reclaim what is precious and true from the fundamentalism of the superego. This was completely unexpected since I was raised by an ardent atheist and thought I had found my spiritual path. 

Sadly it seems that most Spiritual and religious teachings gradually become the territory of the superego. What is alive, vibrating with spirit becomes codified into purity codes,and  into a moralism that condemns, threatens, punishes and  shames. We need spiritual and religious teachings, desperately. But they become rules, shoulds, obligations and standards rather than sacred words that point us to the mystery of our divine nature.

Many of us recoiled against this. We rebelled, we fled, we became judgmental.  Or we submitted to the distortions and we tried to become good and religious. Or we hid away our "sins" and sank into the guilt and shame of our failure and brokenness. Or perhaps we retreated into the certainty of scientific objectivity. When the superego, spiritual superego claims, appropriates, co-opts the teachings in the name of being reasonable, good, secure, safe, we are cut off from something very sacred--the living word, the living wisdom of our spiritual and religious heritage. In a way we throw out the baby with the bathwater. 

We react to the distortions, to the lies, to the violence done in God's name. And so we must. The problem is that this reaction is by its nature a rejection and the rejection is complete. We reject God, we reject the wisdom of our ancestors, we reject communion and community, we reject teachers. We reject them because we feel betrayed, duped, seduced and then abandoned and so it goes. It takes maturity to reject what is distorted and to discriminate what is real, alive and pointing to the mystery of Being. And this is difficult especially if our wounding goes deep. 

So it is essential that we begin to see how the spiritual superego operates. We need to see how our superego cloaks itself in religious imagery, words, theology, rules etc. So if our parents our tyrannical, chances are God will be seen as tyrannical. And so we fall into terror and fear.  If our parents are all loving then God will be seen as all loving. But when life is ruthless, impossible and not loving we feel abandoned, and disillusioned. If our parents are rigid and rule bound then God may become a set of purity rules and commandments. And then we may become righteous and judgmental. If our parents rejected God then there is a big emptiness that nothing can fill.  Sometimes it is extraordinarily confusing. Your parents claim to be good Christians and yet are cruel. You heard God was a loving God, that salvation was at hand and yet despite your prayers no one saved you. So God becomes seductive and betraying. And so examples go on. How did the original imprint of your parents become the template for your spiritual superego? How is it for you?

About five years ago I became angry that I had lost something precious. As I was drawn into this church I felt my father's condemnation. His own rejection of all spiritual and religious longings showed up in his sarcasm and judgement. And even though he was dead at the time I felt ashamed, hiding my visits to Sunday services. Gradually  I could see this was all superego, and my  father's own rejection of any faith. And for goodness sake what did my father's religious issues have to do with my own journey of discovery. And so I began to peel away his reactions and peer through the ways the superego over the ages has been projected onto and written into sacred texts. This history of projection has created a spirituality rooted in fear and judgement, rather than in love, freedom and truth. My anger allowed the desire for truth to become stronger than the shame. Without strength, without seeing the superego in all its shapes and forms, without the passion arising out of my anger for what is real and sacred, I could not write to you. It would be impossible to even dream that some of this fire, your fire, God's fire, the fire of Truth might ignite your own journey of recovery. We are recovering presence in all its manifestations and especially as it arises in you.

I left you with a contemplation last Monday. What would happen if all  the spiritual superego judgements magically disappeared. What would you be left with? Let yourself imagine this.

Questions from last time: What words would you use to describe the major religious/spiritual superego? Tell me a way you respond to the superego. Explore how you have been controlled, hurt and diverted by the religious/spiritual superego.

I have posted this to practicing-presence.blogspot.com

All you are sick with the flu I hope you recover quickly. And prayers to Karl and Dana on their journey of healing.  In peace, Alison

#14 Playlist

Avro Part, Alina. Spiegel im Spiegel.

Anger/aggression verus Strength

Dear friends, it was delightful to see you all last Monday night. Last time we explored the difference between strength and aggression/anger. 

Whenever there is rebirth the forces of resistance will rise up. The resistance can come from the superego, with its shaming, attacking, numbing attacks or from our own fears of change. Resistance also comes from the outside from those who are threatened by our becoming bigger, stronger, clearer, more honest, more loving. Resistance will arise whenever the status quo is threatened. And the ego, the personality, the usual way of being, represents the status quo. Whenever we embark on the spiritual journey we will begin to discover that we are  presence (the Body of Christ, Buddha Mind, the Atman,) not bound by history, not bound by the rules (superego) that we learned in our childhood. This presence of consciousness expands and reveals more and more what we truly are. This is a journey of expansion, growth, and maturity.This expansion will bring forth the superego, the prime engine of ensuring that we stay small, disconnected, childlike, fearful, and completely cut off from our presence, our divine nature.

So in order to go very far on this jounrey, we need strength. We need the capacity to resist the forces of inertia, of resistance and collapse. I call this strength. And we all know strength. It shows up as clarity, a courageous heart and a stable, grounded sense of solidity. When we feel strong we feel mature, functional, capable of being with what is happening and responding in useful, fresh and creative ways. In a nut shell we feel alive, and balanced. This is the life force operating through our maturity. The problem is that life force often gets co-opted by anger and aggression.The life force gets channeled through the superego and the more primitive parts of ourselves, in particular through the ways of the child and our instinctual nature. 

The child has only two ways of managing the intense charge of aggression; either by suppressing it, or discharging it. Aggression can show up as violence, or as suppressed rage, as underhandedness, manipulation, passive aggressiveness, or as depression, self hatred, passivity and numbness. As adults we have to the capacity to actually sense these intense feelings. With time and practice by actually feeling the energy, the heat, the agitation, of the anger, a mysterious alchemy occurs. What began as out of control, too much, too scary, too threatening, coalesces into the presence of strength, with all its vitality, clarity, and groundedness. This presence of strength is one of the faces of presence, one of its vital expressions. God as the face of strength. You as the embodiment of strength.

We need strength  to deal with the resistance of the superego to rebirth, unfolding, emergence of presence.  Unlike many spiritual traditions where anger is pushed away, judged, or"purified", in our practice of presence we invite anger when it is present. We sense it, we hold it, we understand it. That is the doorway to strength. This is not easy at first. But at some point we wake up to the outrage of being denied our birthright, our presence, our maturity. In a nutshell we want our freedom from our history, from our superego more than our fear of change. This takes strength. Every time you wake up and take on the superego you are inviting your inherent strength to arise. At some point the life force captured by the superego becomes your juice, your vitality, your truth. 

I invite you to pay attention to the comings and goings of the inner voice of judgement, the superego. Notice what affect it has on your vitality, your awakeness, your responsiveness. Notice when you feel strength. Feel it, enjoy it. The more you pay attention to your strength the more it grows. The more you disentangle from the superego the less power it has over you. This is a process.

Hope to see you all next Monday. And here comes the balmy weather. Scary really. Alison

PS. You will find this email and the playlist posted on my blog: practicing-presence.blogspot.com

#13 Playlist

Rutter, Requiem, Lux Aeterna, by the Cambridge Singers.

Holy Night, by Holly Near.

Rebirth

Dear friends. I want to wish you all a happy new year, guided by rebirth. 

Last time we focused on rebirth. We brought the spirit of rebirth and emergence by chanting at the beginning of our time together as we lit the candles that each of you bought. The candles, every shape and size, flickered throughout the evening at the center of our circle. 

We explored our resistance to rebirth. (Questions: tell me a way you resist rebirth? Tell me a way you allow rebirth? Explore what and how you are being reborn. How does the practice of presence affect this birthing. What is being born?)  We all know our fears of change; fears of not being in control; fears of entering unknown territory; fears of some kind of  new responsibility. And yet we are attracted to and desire a rebirth. We often think we know what that rebirth should be, what we want it to be. But rarely does it come exactly as we wish. Sometimes it comes as a big explosion, an outside or an inside upheaval. These can be wild, wondrous and extremely difficult times.

But often the rebirth appears subtly, so subtly that we miss the upwelling. Often we don't know how the rebirth came about. Something changed and we had nothing to do with it. Perhaps in hindsight we can see the germination, but often we don't see it. Grace or presence works in mysterious ways; underground, out of our consciousness. Like the farm field that is left to go fallow. On the surface it looks like hell:  bits of corn, soybean from previous plantings, a hodge-podge of weeds. Our lives often look like this. Kinda messy. But under the fallow field, the nitrogen fixing nodules of plants are in the process of rejuvenation. The soil is fed. And in the next year's planting there is renewed vigor. This is how our practice of presence works. We meditate, we come back over and over. Our meditations are terrible. There are moments of opening and we grasp at those gifts. And then it all turns to hell again. As we practice we are preparing the field, the vessel, our bodies for rebirth to have its way with us. We are cultivating patience, steadfastness, courage. These qualities may be the rebirth itself. For without them we will be spiritual day trippers. Not a bad thing to go on day trips, fun and precious but a day trip cannot take you deep. And the more you practice the more you become a pilgrim, a pilgrim through life. Each step, each breath.

I walked the labyrinth with two friends on Christmas Day. The Chartres labyrinth --dedicated to the mother of god-- is a poor person's  pilgrimage to Jerusalem.  The only choice you make is to enter the labyrinth. From then on it is simple: one step at a time. At times you are tantalizingly close to the  center (shaped like a rose) then in the next few steps you are way out at the periphery. It winds back and forth until you end up at the center for some moments of rest. And then this whole process unwinds itself until you exit the labyrinth. This patten traces the spiritual journey. I experienced boredom, cold toes, moments of stillness and silence and love for my friends who journeyed with me. No big deal. No parting of the heavens on this Christmas morning. But this was how the practice of presence showed up that day. 

I have come to trust the quiet rebirths more than the big ones, not that I have any choice in the matter!  And with all rebirths the superego will rise up to reestablish the old familiar way of being. Our familiar way of being resists rebirth and becomes, angry, judgmental, anxious and fearful.  This is like the movement from the inner path to the outer path on the labyrinth. 

Staying faithful, means returning over and over to this moment. Will we fail? Yes! But the amazing thing about the presence of grace is that your failures are not graded or tallied up. What matters is that you return. Sometimes we return in the next breath and sometimes we return years later! It helps to have fellow labyrinth walkers, fellow pilgrims. We remind each other when we forget. We inspire each other when we loose heart.  And when we practice together the communion of presence grows. 

Joe and I have decided to open up our circle until the middle of January we will then close the group. If you know people who are interested please ask them to contact Joe or myself. We are sensing that the theme for this winter is the continuation of exploring rebirth on the one hand and spiritual and religious wounding on the other. Our wounds are deep and real. What does it mean to be reborn in the midst of our wounding. Perhaps the surprise is that our wounds, our sacred wounds, are the very place of the opening into grace. By holding in presence what is injured, a healing openness can arise, and then perhaps the sweetness of truth begins to emerge. Nothing is fixed. All is allowed.

Blessings to you all in the new year. Hope to see you January 7th. Alison